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Nothing is as erotic as an affair

3. November 2021
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Books reviewedEsther Perel – The state of affairs. Rethinking infidelity and Jorge Bucay, Silvia Salinas: To love with open eyes

Finding out that your partner has an affair, is experiencing "death by a thousand stabs". This is why Esther Perel takes time to discuss the crisis and the consequences of the betrayal. The feelings of revenge and self-reproach. And the question of whether it is better to confess an affair or to keep it to yourself.

Then she turns to the question: Why did one partner break out of the relationship? Often an affair is the result of an existing problem. But infidelity can occur even when there are no serious relationship problems. Esther Perel's answers are particularly interesting because we can learn how to reduce the probability of infidelity.

We admire Esther Perel because she is not moralizing even though she has a clear moral compass. She helps us to understand all parties involved in affairs. And she recommends: to have a happy, erotically fulfilling relationship, you should adopt strategies from the script of the affair. Such as feeling that you can't quite posess the other person or crossing boundaries together.

Learning from crisis or an affair

Jorge Bucay, a psychiatrist from Argentina, focuses on the question: What can you learn about yourself in a partnership, especially from crisis? As an entertainer and storyteller, Bucay embeds his teachings in a frame story. Protagonist Roberto is in a relationship crisis when one day he receives emails from Laura, which are not addressed to him, but to her colleague Freddie. At first Roberto ignores these emails, but after a few days he decides to tell Laura that he is the wrong addressee. Opening the first email he finds a description of his own situation. Apparently, Laura is a psychologist. Roberto hopes to find a solution in further emails, so he decides not to inform Laura for the time being. But when Laura gets angry because of Freddie's silence and announces that she will not continue writing their joint book about couple relationships, Roberto assumes Freddie's identity.

This is a wonderful book to recommend to patients. It is entertaining and at the same time contains some deep pearls of wisdom. Such as: When we feel unlovable, we wish on the one hand that our partner would make us feel better by loving us. On the other hand, we fear that we do not deserve his love. So Bucay encourages us: Learn to master your own life without expecting the partner to do it for you. And, vice versa, you don't have to solve your partner's problems either.

And finally: The true power of love lies in the fact that it shows us - also through conflicts - where and how we must change to become more human. Because the great closeness of the bond in mariage or couple shows us our worst and our best qualities.

Links

Esther Perel's Website

Mehr zu den Büchern von Jorge Bucay bei Perlentaucher. D

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